Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

The different ways to consume/use Salvia divinorum and other entheogens, personal rituals, and trip reports.

Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby swatch » Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:14 pm

Ok, I have decided to post this so that perhaps someone else out there will be able to associate with what I was feeling on my most traumatic of journeys. This particular journal entry was written right after I came out, and I cut and pasted my chat session with a friend of mine who helped me calm down, so hopefully you'll be able to follow it.

I will also post some of my other journal entries, specifically another one I have in mind that was one of the most pleasant experiences I've had, so for those of you who are reading and think that Salvia only causes unpleasant trips, you can see that is not the case at all.

With that being said, please enjoy my most traumatic experience with salvia:

----chat session between me and my friend. I am discussing what events just transpired, but I removed his entries so you can see the entire rant from me----

i just spent the past 4 hours in the most serious mind fuck.
i was having trouble distinguishing between reality.
I broke the cardinal rule.
1.  I did it alone with no sitter.
holy shit.
i locked myself in our bedroom before i did it.
i had a fucking out of body experience and i was NOT PREPARED to handle that.
now i understand why humans are not equipped to use their entire brain power.
it would take you a lifetime to be able to learn how to master that shit.
i screamed my son's name at some point in my alternate reality becuz i thought i was dying or something, and i couldn't get back to reality, and i needed to get back.
it was kinda like a dream within a dream within a dream thing.
i walked around in our bedroom staring at pictures of my wife and the kids, and i fucking lost my mind a little bit.
the fact that i had no one to talk me back is what fucked me over big time.
for 3 hours i've been trying to sleep it off, but i kept going back into this dreamland where i was worried i was going to wake up in one of the other realities.
i kept looking at the clock, as that was supposed to make me feel better about my real life still being here, and as soon as the 10 minute trip was over, i'd be fine.
but after i kept looking at it and it said MORE and MORE time...NOT the 10 minutes I was thinking it would be over, I got really worried, and almost had a panic attack at one point.
FUCK!
i'm dumb.
this was the 2nd time i did the stronger extract, and obviously i wasn't ready for what was going to happen.
but i think becuz i didn't eat ANYTHING since last night, and i tripped at 11am with an empty stomach, that fucked me over.
don't know.
i mean, it's BRAIN stuff, but if your body doesn't have any food or something.
i don't know.
i am not sure if I actually walked over to the sink in our bathroom and drank water during it or not, but I remember that.  
i was grabbing on the door to my bedroom in my experience and it was locked and i couldn't get out, but it really was locked, so I don't know whether it was real or not.
then when i came out of the trip, i was never really OUT.  i can't explain it right.
i was still in this dream place, but i did NOT know what was reality and what was the dream.
and i had no one to talk to to get any information.  i think this is how insanity happens with people who are confined without human interaction.
great.  i'm mentally unstable now.
from 11:07, to just before 3pm.
like 2:48pm
phew.
scary stuff

see, i just had another flashback.  i keep worrying that THIS shit i'm doing right now is not the real world, and that I'm going to wake up in my bed and look at the clock and it'll be 11:17am.
nice
yeah, real nice.
i can't explain it right.
it's almost like I got a glimpse at alternate realities that i'm living, and THIS one is the one my "life" chose to live.
and i was branching off into these other ones, and couldn't find my way back to THIS one.
but if I wake up in bed beside my nightstand and the torch is still there with the pipe, then i'm going to fucking FREAK OUT becuz this is NOT the real world, and that was.
that would be some crazy shit
i wish i had a sitter there, that's all i know...cuz i'm worried i'll never be able to sleep right now.
i thought "this is why people who are against pot being legalized feel the way they do".
i still feel strongly that any plant shouldn't be illegal.
but i think maybe they should bump it up to 21, not 18.
to be purchased.
i chose to do what i did.
people should always have their choices.
it's what keeps our species going.
or dying, whichever way you look at it.
i'm still "foggy".  that's insane.
i mean, i feel like i just woke up.
I definitely got what I wanted at the beginning of all of this
i WANTED to see shit...like cosmic bullshit or whatever.
i didn't want it to be my OWN LIFE that i saw and couldn't get back to.
i wanted to like float around and see stuff.
i didn't want it to affect my own life, and have it FAKE ME OUT into wondering which life was my own.
my friend says "You failed to realize that you were bound by the confines of your own psyche."
i heard my heart pounding at one point, and i thought i was going to have a heart attack.
it was fucking brutal.
for all i know, i may have died for a couple of seconds.  it was rough.  
i wonder if I will ever forget this, or will I always wonder now if I'm in the real world or not?
i don't remember reading anything about not eating
i seriously think it was the lack of food.
well, i don't think i was in a negative mindset.  i felt relaxed right before i did it.
i definitely hit level 5 today, that's for damned sure.

My friend says i'll laugh about this experience when i'm not still so close to it
i pissed in the shower, and i thought "is this really happening in the shower, or did i just piss my pants, and i'm going to wake up in my bed next to the nightstand with piss in my jeans."
maybe my self conscious got the better of me today because i knew my wife didn't want me doing it by myself.
and so maybe i took that with me on the trip.
i had no one to share it with.
paranoia

---end of chat session---

It's funny, because as I read through this again now, it definitely reminds me of what happened, but now I don't feel as traumatized by it, because I've had so many other experiences, and have "come to terms" with what happens, but I will say that I have not completely given up complete control of myself yet, and I want to. It will take years of training, much like meditation, I would guess, before I feel comfortable enough to give myself completely to the journey that happens, but I sure am enjoying the learning experience.

Thanks for reading.
swatch
 
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Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2011 12:15 am

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby Ulmdorgr » Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:26 pm

:D You just reminded me that even the negative experiences are beneficial. You need to see the darkness in order to appreciate the light. It's also a hardening sort of process - the way of the shaman! To madness and beyond ahahahahah I hope your family keeps you grounded, that is, attached to this reality. You've gone too far to throw them away.

I will never have children, as I see it as simply creating suffering. I do not want to condemn anything to death; my suffering, my life, is enough. We kill every day to survive.

Next time you try it, do it stoically. No curiosity, no reaction, nothing. You'll see that mind over matter will allow you to avoid even feeling suffering (fear, anxiety, negativity, pain). But then again, I find it more to be random, ahaha, happy tripping!

Having eaten recently before tripping will not affect the experience.

Don't worry about what's real or not. Nothing is real. No thing is real. Nothing's real. :D Word games = exploration, X-plo-RAY-shun. In light and meant. Ahahahaha. Live your fantasy. Get caught up in it all! FLOW! Melt. Burn. Dissolve. GROW. =)

Also, if you want to talk to me during/after an experience, PM me on here with an email address that I can contact you at.
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
Ulmdorgr
 
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Location: United States

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby nothim » Thu Sep 29, 2011 6:43 am

you have already been juiced!
nothim
 
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Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 2:47 pm

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby cbu48 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:53 pm

woww

great!
cbu48
 
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Location: Santiago, Chile

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby Ulmdorgr » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:33 am

nothim wrote:you have already been juiced!


Aha I just re-read that. I have no fucking idea what you mean, ahahahahaha.
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
Ulmdorgr
 
Posts: 1436
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:23 pm
Location: United States

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby nothim » Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:28 am

swatch has just been juiced! like jason statham in crank movie.....nothing too special....
nothim
 
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Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 2:47 pm

Re: Journal entry - my most traumatic trip.

Postby Ulmdorgr » Sat Oct 15, 2011 4:29 pm

Oh, ahaha. Yeah, I get it. I guess I just find it funny when you use slang like that. Bitches gettin MURKED!
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
Ulmdorgr
 
Posts: 1436
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:23 pm
Location: United States


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