Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

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Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby Mackwell » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:20 pm

Hello,

As stated in the subject title, I've always tilted on the side of paranoia, caution, and nervousness my whole life. Throughout my teen years as many people like me do, I've experimented with all kinds of drugs to self-medicate, my favorite being alcohol. Once my anxiety started to resemble an obsessive compulsive disorder, the obsession being that I thought I was disconnected from this world, and my body was some kind of robotic avatar, I lost all my friends, left my highschool, and became a videogame addicted hermit. Through some very tough, stressful, life experiences that pushed me to the edge of my limits (commercial fishing in the bering sea) I finally gained confidence in myself and harnessed my anxious tendencies to become very successful in school, athletics, social settings and life in general.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because for the past three years I have been inextricably drawn to salvia. The mystery of this unique opioid stimulating hallucinogen has always fascinated me. Every trip (I've probably had 30 in total to this day) has been absolutely terrifying, as an anxiety prone person I must always be in control, to not understand what is happening to me, and what the future holds for me keeps me constantly ruminating until I can venture a well thought out guess. When on salvia, the dissolution of my ego/body connection, the forces that fight to consume me, and the alter ego that wants to trap me always come out. Although these are uncomfortable experiences while in the moment, I've always come away with an appreciation for the world that salvia forces me to face, and I've always been certain that I have something to learn from these experiences.

I systematically tried to eliminate all stimuli that caused me the uncomfortable trapped feeling I have when on salvia. First I eliminated the presence of other people, as they can be very distracting, then visual stimuli, as I seem to get sucked into what I am looking at and can't escape, finally auditory stimuli as they repeat over and over in my head, and sometimes gain dark undertones that are somehow malicious in nature. Things were better, but I couldn't help but fight salvia every time I took some, it would always feeling like a strong dreaded nostalgia when the effects would come on, and in my head I would say "oh no... why am I putting myself through this hell again! what was I thinking?" That was until one day, I found the final barrier, my own perceived insecurity with ego dissolution. I worked so hard to soothe myself, meditate before a trip, be in pitch black, wear earplugs, but I couldn't figure out how to drop the most important barrier of all, my incessant need to always be in control.

When I finally did, I experienced euphoria unlike anything else I ever have. I had my eyes closed, and I was running on tiles, but they would keep dropping, and I would be part of them, and I would keep trying to climb to the tiles that hadn't dropped, but I would continue to fall, again I was fighting the salvia. But for some reason it clicked, I told myself to accept it, to fall with the tiles, let the loss of my ego consume me, give in. At the very same time I said that to myself, my body was filled with the most amazing warmth, peaceful feelings, not just psychologically but physically as well, I could only feel what I'd describe as divine love.

I realized something that day, it isn't the world or outside forces that trap you, it's your own ruminating, anxiety, and need for control that really trap you in unhappy strife. Salvia has taught me to give up some of that control that I desperately cling onto, and I continue to use it to help me progress towards a calmer, peaceful life. However it can be quite expensive, and as a biology major I have had an interest in botany and pharmacology and so I'd like to start growing it for myself! I hope sharing my experiences with salvia will benefit others who have a hard time "breaking through", and I hope to learn how to further my progress by starting my own salvia garden! Any help on how to get started (I've already planned on contacting bob smith and getting this going!) would be much appreciated!

Thanks for the welcome,
Mackwell
Last edited by Mackwell on Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby Ulmdorgr » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:23 pm

Hi Mackwell, and welcome! Give me a moment to go through your message... I've added some spaces to make it a bit more readable.

<Minutes later>
Wow. I have shivers and almost cried. That was beautiful, man!

I have yet to get over my fight with the goddess, but I love her, even if we struggle for control. The fight is half the fun! Aha, I'm being facetious, but I feel like I've fallen away from the overall meaning to be acquired from doing salvia, lately. The last two times have been very "recreational" for me - extremely intense visuals, channeling words, and then using the experience to fuel reflective discussions that tend to be about nonsense (e.g. dimensional boundaries) that doesn't affect how I "be" on a daily basis. I'm always searching, but lately it seems like salvia has failed me in terms of being a self-reflective growth aid. I've gotten really used to its intensity, and love being in that feeling. Actually, now I'm really pumped to try it again.
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby Mackwell » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:58 pm

Haha thanks man, I'm glad I pumped you up, I feel the same way whenever I read a good salvia trip story. Every time I do salvia I become extremely reflective the next few days, so this was the product of my trip last night, which unfortunately was again entirely a fight for a control, and I couldn't remember to close my eyes for some reason. Well I think salvia is what you make it. members of my family have tried it and immediately shy away from it's intensity, but I try to find some lesson or meaning in every experience in life, whether it be positive or negative, this way I learn from instead of regret the biggest calamities in my life. I'd honestly love to be where you are at, it's what drew me to hallucinogens in the first place, I wanted to see the world through different eyes, to experience the variety of emotion and perceptions that can only be found when the brain is under extreme stressors. But I know that I must first overcome this issue, like a sort of rite of passage before the "salvia goddess" let's me enter her higher plane. Also I get the feeling that the "experience" brand salvia isn't very strong for the price I'm paying, and I want to experiment with tinctures, and homemade extracts without breaking the bank! It will also allow me to put some of my organic chemistry laboratory techniques training to some use :P
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby Ulmdorgr » Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:46 pm

Unless you're a long term grower, it will be a long time before you can attempt that, unless you buy pounds of raw leaf...

Around here I can pick up some gnarly 20-80x that works every time. I try to dose out around 5mg minimum (that applies to everyone, especially new people), but I rarely go higher than that now (I could go lower, but it's easy to read .1g on a scale). It just ends up wasting material if you do.

Yeah ska pastora sometimes makes her presence known, and when she does it scares the fuck out of me. Big cosmic slap. I often feel like I'm in pre-school and I see this female teacher and she's always yelling at me, ahahaha. Like one experience, the only thing I got out of it was this big "WRONG." That was confusing. I still don't really get it, but I assume she doesn't want us smoking her. It's all for fun, anyways. I mostly use my experiences now to get my periodic jolt. I love salvia cuz it's fucking crazy. It reduces us to our most basic cognitive functions, and its subjective effects are always fucking amazing and weird.

I'm addicted to intensity, which is everything I hate, aha. I just finished reading Ritalin Nation (I recommend it), and my problem was being addicted to video games at an extremely young age. I've been "sober" for a couple months now, and don't want to go back. I still get cravings for games, cuz my days are really uneventful (to me) now. It's pretty much impossible to undo the damage that we've done - I have sensory addictions, and so do most people I know. Most just don't know it.
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby nothim » Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:15 am

I'm addicted to intensity, which is everything I hate

Nice !
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby swatch » Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:50 pm

I seriously need to hang out with both of you. I don't know if everyone else gets the same experiences from their salvia trips like the three of us do, but there's obviously something we all have in common, whether it's our upbringing, or environment, or just basic neurological similarities, because you both have described, almost as if I wrote them myself, the same types of feelings I have with Salvia. It made me laugh when you have both said before that when you go in, there is a moment where you are saying to yourself "Oh, yeah, this again...why do I put myself through this?!" hehehe I'm too scared to do it alone anymore, so I always have my sitter, because it helps me with the control aspect. I feel like if I can vocalize a "is everything ok out there?" to my sitter while I'm on my journey, and I get a response, that it comforts me and allows me to continue delving into whatever was making me feel uncomfortable in the first place. Damn it. You guys are making me want to post my journals! As much as I feel they are so intimate and personal, I think I'm going to post my most traumatic, and see if you've experienced something similar.

Thanks to both of you for your entries here regarding this wonderful plant and the experiences it gives you, both good and bad, because as I've seen we all agree, there is much to learn about ourselves and the journey we go on with this amazing gift we've been handed by our planet.
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby SF » Mon Jan 09, 2012 11:07 pm

just a quick note, a lot of times Anxiety is caused by a lake of essential vitamins, i would recommend getting some daily vitamins and after a few weeks see if that makes a difference.
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Re: Anxiety prone salvia user from Portland, hey!

Postby Ulmdorgr » Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:31 am

I'll be at Burning Man this year, if anyone else is going let me know and maybe we can spend some time together.
Anything that I post is fictional and is purely part of my imagination. Do not attempt any of the activities described above.
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